PETS
by Kitahoshi
Summary: A oneshot song fic for the song PETS. When Chad is going to school one morning, he finds a cute redheaded cat roaming by the river. Chad X Orihime


Yasutora hadn't meant for it to turn out quite like this. His Abuelo would be shamed, could he see the peacefully sleeping red-head beside him. All the same, if he went back, he wasn't sure he'd change any of it. He wasn't sure he _could_.

---

"Oi! Chad!" Ichigo called, rambunctiously moving towards him in Karakura's courtyard that led to the street. He stopped and turned to the spiky haired young man, followed along carefully by the newly recovered Kuchiki Rukia.

There was a war coming. He was always reminded of that when Rukia was there. Ichigo was at his side before his thoughts could finish, leaving whatever question he had asked unanswered and unheard.

"Ah," Chad answered blankly. Clearly, this was not the right answer, as they both stared at him then. He stared right back, silent.

---

_Children are innocent,_

_A teenager's fucked up in the head,_

_Adults are even more fucked up,_

_---_

"Are you serious?" Rukia said, raising one eyebrow.

"Where did you see her?" Ichigo cut her off, looking surprised.

"Who?" Chad answered as they walked towards the school gates. Ichigo sighed.

"Inoue, that's who. We just asked you if you'd seen her. She's been calling in sick for the past two days," Ichigo supplied, slightly impatient with his larger friend. But, in all his years with Ichigo, the orange haired peer had eventually adjusted to his nature.

"I haven't seen her," He answered honestly.

"Then just say so! Yeesh," Rukia said, letting out a breath. "Tatsuki hasn't been able to find her at her place, either."

The very next morning, Chad's fate was sealed. As he was making his way to school early that day, he happened to pass by the river. He woke up too early, he knew, and he was bored. He heard bells ringing against the heavy morning air. They were small bells, he guessed, sort of like one would find on a cat. At that prospect, he found himself running towards the sound without a second thought. Since he had so much time, why not go see the little kitty?

---

_And elderlies are like children,_

_Will there be another race,_

_To come along and take over for us?_

---

… Kitty, indeed. Before him stood a red head standing in front of the passing waters of the river. In her hair was a hair band with two false but very convincing orange cat ears that matched her hair. An orange tail trailed from underneath her uniform skirt, and to finish it off, around her neck was a soft pink ribbon with two small bells bouncing merrily. She turned to look at him, her large eyes bright and shining. And then she was on him, sitting on his shoulder and affectionately nuzzling his puzzled head.

"Meow?" She chirped, moving to look at his empty expression. Had she jumped onto his shoulder, or had he picked her up? He couldn't remember. He'd probably never know. With a small pitter patter against the pavement, the heavy air released rain above their heads, spooking the girl. She looked frightened as she wrapped her arms around his head, while still perched on his broad shoulder, her well developed chest pressing against his left ear.

He couldn't say how he got there, but he only vaguely remembered appearing at his home once more with the little creature in his arms bridal style, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck for dear life. She was mewing in a sort of crying sound that made him unable to put her down.

He eventually had to, as she began to squirm, aware of her new surroundings. She was curious, thoughtful and inquisitive. While she ran about the place inspecting every single item with her hands before smelling it cautiously and then rubbing it with her head, he went to retrieve a towel. He brought it to her, and set it before her.

"Meow," She said, sitting. She looked at it curiously and back up at him. She began to touch it with her hands, before sending it back and forth between her hands happily. He could vaguely hear a sound coming from the back of her throat that sounded like a soft kitten's purr. But people did not purr. He didn't care.

She sniffed the thing cautiously, and he noted that he had just washed it the night before. What could it possibly smell like? As if to answer him, she looked up at him and mewed pleasantly.

He licked his lips, the only sign he was nervous. Though Yasutora was quiet, large and unusually strong, he was still a teenage boy. Every time she made that sound, his dark eyes were drawn to her full lips like a magnet and it sent a fluttering through his stomach. Not that it showed on his face. He was completely still. And then she rubbed her had against the towel, as if she had the power to mark it like a cat.

---

_Maybe Martians could do,_

_Better than we've done,_

_We'll make great pets!_

---

And without any words of explanation, any warning from his limbs or the brain controlling them, he had pulled the little creature into his lap and was drying her off with the towel. He was careful, very gentle with her hair and made sure not to move the flower hair pins.

Flower hair pins, glinting at him. He was supposed to remember something about these hair pins. But nothing was coming. There was a glimpse- and then the startling sound that the read-headed girl in his lap was indeed _purring_.

She moved languidly against his large hands over the towel, stretching out her back in anticipation. As he reached the middle of her back, he remembered that she was not a cat and definitely a girl. Petting her was not making his position any more comfortable. Soon the towel made its inevitable exit in the equation, and it was just her rubbing her cheek against his large palm which could have covered the small cheek three times over. She turned about again, somewhat impatiently. He played with her hair obediently, unsure of what else to do with the strange creature. Perhaps this was all his imagination and he was actually holding a kitten. He'd prefer that for his comfort, but whatever instinct was in charge of the fluttering in his stomach was having a field day and telling him not to ruin it. She couldn't mark anything like a cat, mostly because her hair smelled like… grass. Grass and the river.

He rested his hand on her back thoughtfully. How long had she been roaming about there? She didn't smell bad, but she certainly could use a bath. Forgetting what he was doing, and that she was still sitting in his lap, he suddenly found something pressed against him. He forgot. Cats lifted their rears when they were being pet, didn't they? Unfortunately, their close proximity caused the red-head's bottom to be against his chest and he wasn't even sure what the fluttering in his stomach judged this as in the categories of good things and bizarre things.

Lifting her up, he carried her with her arm hanging lazily over his left shoulder with said bottom tucked neatly into the bend of his elbow so that her legs were dangling where his hand stopped under her knees. He set her down in front of the bathroom, and opened the door in some attempt to communicate this to her. She wasn't getting the message. She looked at him, tilting her head with a small meow. He picked her up again with ease, and pointed to the bath. She looked at him, pouting.

As he tried to put her closer to said contraption, he found something wrapped around his head. Something heavy. Namely, the red-head. She was clinging to his head, her bosom resting atop his head and her legs and arms keeping her attached. Wasn't there something a classmate had once said…? Something about washing cats and dogs? Oh! He remembered now. Cats didn't usually like being submerged in water.

---

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

---

Chad gathered the bucket like object he used to rinse the shampoo out of his hair out after a shower. He filled it with warm water and got wash cloths out for her.

"Meow?" She looked at him. The invitation was not wasted. Yasutora let out a breath. This "kitty" was going to be the death of him, if this kept going. Next she'd want to play with him or use him as a scratching post. It wasn't like cats hadn't mistaken him for one before. This was almost like having a real cat. And the worst part was…

He kind of liked it. The companionship, of course. He had someone to look after, and it was a pleasant feeling of being needed and useful for something that didn't involve hurting someone with his strength. It was proof that he could look after something small and fragile without crushing it.

A short trip to see Ishida was required.

"…. Chad," He said, the shine of his glasses hiding his surprise that Chad was on his doorstep. He looked tired out and eager to be off running again, in a hurry. How strange for Chad.

"I need a modest female bathing suit, if you have one handy," Chad said. It was the most Ishida had heard the large young man speak in one sentence. Their silence was what they had in common.

"In your size…?" The Quincy asked, measuring him up with his eyes.

"No. It's for my cat," Chad responded vaguely, making hand gestures as to her height. Ishida was silent for a few moments, examining his classmate. A cat… _right_. Instead of pushing the embarrassing conversation, he recalled a bathing suit he'd made for the handicrafts club when their theme of the month had been swim wear. Unfortunately, for those making measurements of the opposite gender in the case of female it had been insisted by the president that the vivacious Inoue Orihime be the model's measurements. Due to that incident, Tatsuki had to threaten many members who had offered to give their sketchily made bikinis in terrible prints.

Ishida retrieved the one-piece bathing suit with the double cherry print material and skirt for extra modesty without much trouble, and handed it over to Chad.

"You can keep it, but I'm not sure if the bust size will be too big for your… _cat_."

"It's perfect. Thank you Ishida." And before Ishida could pick up his jaw and catch his mind from trying to imagine what kind of _cat_ it was that Chad was giving the bathing suit to, the young man was gone at high speed.

---

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_---_

She was waiting at the door when he returned. She was scratching at the door and mewing like she hadn't been fed. This was a point of interest that he catalogued in his mind so as not to forget to feed her later. She seemed overjoyed to see him return, rubbing her face against his legs happily. When would this insanity find an end? Was he really going to keep this girl as a pet?

It had been a difficult task to get her into the bathing suit without being ungentlemanly, but it was lovely on her. The problem had occurred when she began screeching about her tail which, contrary to Yasutora's first impression, was _not_ fake. He'd had to get her to sit still while he made a hole for it to go through in the bathing suit. This was a shame, but it made him thank the stars that Ishida wasn't asking for it back. He wasn't sure how he'd explain the hole. The entire "sitting still" had been taken at a price- Chad had scratches from her very human nails around his neck and face that didn't much hurt. He was glad she wasn't a real cat then, or else she might have claws.

Yasutora had never given anyone a sponge bath before, and found the entire task tedious. She sat rather patiently, her tail hitting him every so often where he kneeled beside her in the empty tub. He had reached her hair much sooner than he had hoped to. She didn't like the water. How was he going to get her to let him wash her hair before putting shampoo in it and then rinse it out? This was going to be terrible, he decided.

And he was right. As gentlemanly as he could be with a screeching and writhing cat that didn't want to be touched with the shower nozzle on, he had resorted to straddling her to keep her from running about the house and leaving puddles of water everywhere. He lifted her head while she struggled so she wouldn't be afraid of getting any water in her eyes and mouth. What he got in return for his kindness was her nails pushing into the skin of his arms and her small mouth biting his shirt angrily. When he had decided to bathe his 'kitty', Yasutora had no inkling that he would be getting just as drenched as she was. But it was the only way to go about it with her so close to him and only one hand to turn the shower nozzle with.

When he began to massage her hair with the shampoo as best one could with one hand, she let go of his shirt with her teeth and let his one hand support her fully as she began to purr again. She had decided that this experience might not have been as bad as her cat mind had thought. His large but gentle hands were inexperienced but soothing. Then she was back to biting his shirt when he was rinsing the soapy stuff out of her hair. She begrudgingly let him rinse her full body down when she was kneeling again on her own, glaring at him with pouting lips. He took the second of the three towels that he owned, and began to dry her off. When he was done, she was clean, and rolling around in the corridor, still in the bathing suit. Finding no reason to go through that entire hectic scene of getting her changed without actually looking, he let her run amok in it. He began to dry himself off with the used towel, considering a change of clothes or perhaps a bath himself.

One awkward bath later (that entailed his new cat sitting around the bathroom looking sulkily at him for not paying attention to her), he was finally dressed in some night clothes and used to her presence as a cat and not a girl. He found it a convenient time to sleep, as she had worn him out. He wanted to feed the little fawning creature, he did. He was just a little weary. It could wait until morning.

---

_My Friend says we're like the dinosaurs,_

_Only we're doing ourselves in_

_Much faster than they_

_Ever did._

---

Pounce! There was something heavy on him. He opened one eye and almost sighed. Yes, yes, he knew she was hungry. He heard bells ringing somewhere distantly, and then the silence followed by something soft on his lips.

Did cats kiss? Like humans? He didn't recall it. But he was tired, and just wanted her to settle down for the night. He rested one arm around her, pulling her closer to his own form and letting her do whatever she wished. He was sleepy until he realized she was sitting in a rather compromising situation sort of place. And then she made a happy noise, more human than he had heard all day.

His Abuelo might have cried, or hit some sense into him at that moment and Chad would have welcomed it. But she was stirring beside him, and he needed to make sure there was something to feed her or some other distracting thing from the shame that was heavy on his chest. She had the mind of a cat. So he hadn't realized who she was until it was too late.

"Inoue Orihime," He said, staring at the ceiling.

"Good morning Sado Yasutora," said a happy voice in response. "Or should I call you Chad now? But that isn't really as cool as saying Yasutora and I think it would make it friendlier, you know? Like that Tatsuki was telling me…" He turned in surprise to the babbling girl. He was vaguely aware of her still talking, and wondered what he was going to do now. The ribbon and bells were beside his bed, on the floor, and Inoue's "ears and tail" had disappeared completely. He didn't realize that she had stopped talking and was examining him until he felt her small hand playing with his hair.

"It was after the bells fell off. I got them at a really funny store. Tatsuki warned me not to buy them but I did anyway, even though that was the place Chizuru went before she started being extra friendly to me and…" Orihime was half into babble. So… she had returned to normal after they fell off? Hadn't he heard them ringing when she went to persuade him to feed her…?

"Were you awake at that time?" He interrupted solemnly. As if answering the question, she giggled as though he said something funny.

"Of course! Cats don't _kiss_, Yasutora, what gave you that funny idea? I mean…" Orihime's babbling was lost to him again as he let it go through his mind. But not before he felt her poking his shoulder brusquely.

"Hn?" He resonded.

"Hey, if we have a baby, do you think it'll be stronger than steel? I mean, I always get hit by cars all the time and I'm fine afterwards and I heard that you're really, really strong…"

Sado Yasutora smiled.

---

Ichigo looked up from his lunch, and examined the scratches on his quiet friend's face and arms.

"What happened to _you_, Chad?" He asked, inspecting them seriously. "Hollow troubles?"

"It was my cat."

Nearby, the Quincy dragged into eating lunch with the raggle-taggle group raised one eyebrow, silent.

---

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_We'll make great pets!_

_We will make great pets!_

---

**(A/N)**

This fanfic was actually born from the random thought of "Hey, there are only two other Chad and Orihime fanfics here. I love both characters for their comedy value. So... if I put them together it would make one big, happy comedy!". And so it was born. This fanfic is dedicated to Ashari from Gaia Online, the RPG site. I was going to have her edit it and all that when I realized I wanted this fanfic to be a nice big non-work related surprise. The song "PETS" is by Porno for Pyros. Yeah... don't ask me about the band name. But I just thought by the sound and insinuation of aliens and human pets that it was so very Chad and Inoue.

So enjoy! And please review!


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